“Alam mo yung, ang hirap-hirap talaga”

“When I say I do, I really do”. . .

“Minsan dumadating talaga ang panahon na bumibigay ka na at kahit gaano ka pa ka- tigas emotionally, mamimiss at mamimiss mo talaga yung isang taong nagbigay sayo ng genuine na kasiyahang hinding-hindi mo mararanasan sa iba. Yung feeling na ang sarap-sarap niyang kasama at nalilimutan mo ang iba pag kayo lang dalawa.”

WHEN MISSING SOMEONE SO BAD.

I don’t think it’s even the best sentence for the feelings I am actually feeling now, but I really want this to be conveyed. Ang bigat na kasi sa damdamin, and at this moment, ang hirap pala talagang mag-move on, mag let go ng feelings kahit na nga hindi naging kami at never nagkaroon ng “us”.

Well, palagi ko siyang naaalala. I mean, all the memories that we had and the future things na pwedi pa sana talaga naming gawin, it’s so frustrating how everything went wrong, kasalanan ko naman talaga pero ang sakit lang talagang isiping the end rin pala ang pahahantungan ng lovelife pakingsheet with him. SAMUK!

Every single day, situation, events from good news, great news to morbid news remind me of him. Hindi ko na talaga maiwasang sabihin to, I think I’m obsessed with him like crazy and I’m praying this will fade away soon. OA kasi! I don’t want to be like this forever! Kahit masaya ako sa kabaliwang ito, at the end of the line, it pains me more and more each day knowing that those things will never ever go back. Sa ulo ko, pweding-pwedi but the exact things? The real ones? So sad, hinding-hindi na. I even think I stink to him, yung feeling na nandidiri na siya kasi ampanget ko and at the same time I feel like he doesn’t want to see me and seeing me is a hell for him. Yun kaya ang iniisip niya? Too bad cause I feel the opposite.

Yesterday, I thought of him again.I passed by the busy streets of the city and I saw cute couples along the way, they remind me of him, yung pweding-pwedi talaga kaming magmoment gaya ng sa kanila, though before, I never let any man hold my hand, this time I will with him, I will hold his, kahit na ayaw niya ng public display of holding hands, kaya ko na yun ngayon, I would see myself smiling so big then, looking at him and expressing the purest laugh and the most untainted look because I know inside me, siya na ang hinahanap ko and even if its forever, hindi na ako magrereklamo pa, I will even thank God the hardest and with all my joy because I HAVE HIM. Sa madaling salita he is a BLESSING! Pero hindi eh.  I remembered his last message for me, yung sweet text kasi nga nagtatampo ako sa kanya for not texting me the entire day. This was his message;

ME: I hate you!

HIM: I love you too baby ^_^

Me: ^__________________^ (keleeeeg!)

            I never really demand for the most extravagant man a girl could ever have but the simple thing is this, mere things count a lot, he counts a lot and I truly value him to the extent of  making a spot for him only in my life, ngayon na nga lang ako nagseryoso, ngayon pa ako niloko. Ang unfair naman kasi ng mindo eeh! ! !

 Sana may notifications ang love, like facebook, na pag nag log in ka, my makikita kang notification na “He doesn’t really LIKE you!” tapos may button na doong UNLIKE to or report as spam or block the person, pwedi rin unfriend, para naman may magawa pa ako. I am really suffering with this kind of fucking bump and my inner self is crying since then, I was never informed of this kind of YOLANDA, sana pinatay na lang niya ng panandalian ang heart kong marupok na nga ang hina-hina pa.

When will this end? Kung sa araw-araw na nagigising ako ay the idea of him immediately pops in. He is really something, kasi nothing is even special in him, my eyes never caught him but look what he’s done.

One day or two, liligaya din ako and someday, I’ll forget about this. . .

One day, I will see him and the feelings will never be the same anymore, I will really treat my barkadas when that time comes. Ang galing ko siguro sa time na yan.  I think I’ll even approach him and I’ll say hello with my most friendly laugh. SOMEDAY. . .

But today, I miss him, I really miss him and no other person could ever miss him like I do, I am so contained of the fact that aside from missing him marami pang ibang dahilan kung bakit minamahal, namimiss at minamahal na namimiss ko siya wanmelyontayms! This don’t cost so much for him kasi nga ayaw na ayaw niya, sarap lang patayin ng taong yun, ang choosy pa talaga! Joke. Ang OA ko din, so bagay talaga sana kami :3

Lord, mamatay n asana ang mga virus sa puso kong parang Trojan Horse na kinakawawa at dinedestroy ang puso at utak kong walang magawa kundi i-take in nalang lahat. BOBO eh! Sa susunod kasi na may ibibigay ka Lord, wag niyo nap o akong pahirapan pa na masaktan pa ng paulit-ulit, nasasaktan rin po ako at alam niyo poi yon> wag niyo nap o sana akong itemp sa ganitong klaseng mga tao na parati nalang akong iniiwan, pang-ilan nap o ba siya Lord? Hindi po ba? Mabait po akong anak, kaso nga lang hindi perpek. I am trying po talagang magpakatino pero Bopols talaga. Sings naman po oh. L para po kung masaktan ako ulit, ready na yung sarili kong patayin nalang sila ng tuluyan para hindi na kumalat pa ang lahi nilang ewan ko lang bakit nila sinasaktan ang mga taong katulad ko.

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